by Celia Hales. Revised and reprinted from Miracles (publisher Jon Mundy).
When I was a child, I was not conscious of “sin.” Well, maybe a little. I remember one trauma as a child when a baby sitter punished me by putting me to bed in the middle of the day. She warned me (as I recall, perhaps imperfectly) that God would not forgive me unless I told her “everything.” Well, I didn’t tell her everything. At that moment, God seemed farther away and less threatening than this adolescent before me.
But that passed, and my childhood seemed secure in the love of my family–my parents (especially my mother), my grandparents, and my wonderful great-grandmother. Not until I was 13 and baptized did I experience the absolute shame of feeling that I had done something wrong. The baptismal litany was filled with references to my “sin” and the need for God’s forgiveness. My tears flowed unceasingly, and I was very , very embarrassed. “Shamed” would be a better word. So I long looked back on that day as the worst day of my life.
And Was It All a Mirage?
The Course says, “What if you looked within and saw no sin? (T-21.IV.3:1)” That was exactly my situation on that fateful baptismal day in 1959. Yes, here I was publicly proclaiming my sin and terribly ashamed that maybe really I hadn’t done everything that God had asked of me. The minister said to my mother and me, “A little child should lead them.” But I didn’t feel little: I was 13 years old!
What a joy to learn now as I stand as one of the young-old that I had it right all along. I hadn’t displeased the Holy Spirit; I might have made mistakes, but these He can forever redeem, if we let Him. I had no reason to be ashamed; the litany of sin was wrong. “Not wholly mad, you have been willing to look on much of your insanity and recognize its madness. (T-21.IV.4:2)” And that has made all the difference since 1981, when I discovered A Course in Miracles.
The Underlying Truth
I easily let go of my belief that I was a shameful sinner; it was with great joy that I discovered the truth of ACIM. But in more frequent times, I, like most of us, hate to admit that I might have been wrong, might be making mistakes.
It is against this tenet that Jesus asks the easy question that is a favorite among ACIM students and teachers, “Do you prefer that you be right or happy? (T-29-VII.1:9)” He knows, of course, that many of us would continue to insist that we be “right”–even when dead wrong, and when in misery and pain because of our wrong choices.
This pattern of continuous denial of His way is highlighted very precisely in the following passage from A Course in Miracles:
“Do I desire a world I rule instead of one that rules me?
“Do I desire a world where I am powerful instead of helpless?
“Do I desire a world in which I have no enemies and cannot sin?
“And do I want to see what I denied because it is the truth? (T-21:VII.5:11-14)”
Jesus asserts that the first three questions may seem unlike the fourth, yet “reason would assure you they are all the same. (T-21.VII.5:14)”
He knows that we may readily agree to all but the last one, “And do I want to see what I denied because it is the truth? (T-21.VII.5:14)”
Is truth the enemy that we fear to find? And do we hesitate, even now, to turn our backs on our real nemesis, the insane, delusional, image of ourselves called the “ego”? To do so does require that we sidestep pride, that we acknowledge that we have had it all wrong, and that we want a better way. Then and only then can the Holy Spirit come flooding into our lives with the happiness that all of us so long to have.
We all have much to learn, and this world is the place where we learn it. If we persist in the way of the world–the pride, egotism, and its resulting pain–then we will never be open to the guidance that would lead us away from all this misery. Only in an about-face does happiness (i.e., “the happy dreams the Holy Spirit brings (M-pI.140.3:1)” find its blessed way to us.
This about-face must be constant as well. We cannot vacillate, or our happiness will not be constant either. Jesus asserts that the final question in this quartet, “And do I want to see what I denied because it is the truth?,” adds constancy to our decision-making. We can change our minds about the value of the other three questions (“Do I desire a world I rule instead of one that rules me? Do I desire a world where I am powerful instead of helpless? Do I desire a world in which I have no enemies and cannot sin?”) by making, unmaking, and remaking our minds–but such an option does not hold for the all-important last question (“And do I want to see what I denied because it is the truth?”). In answering “yes” to the last question, we are relinquishing our desire to have been “right” in the past, acknowledging that we were wrong in our choices, and casting our lot on the side of truth as informed by the Holy Spirit. This is no small step, but one infinitely freeing in its dimensions. The phrase, “because it is the truth” is a powerful antidote to the illusions that have peopled our mad view of the world.
In Summary
These four questions are a powerful answer to the shame that I experienced at my baptism many years ago. No wonder established churches, many of which emphasize sin, sometimes find A Course in Miracles hard to fathom. But Jesus says the belief in sin will continue to attract us, whereas characterizing “sin” as simply “mistakes” will allow these misdeeds to cry out for correction. May we make those corrections, always listening to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, in the joy and happiness that Jesus wishes us to have.
