“More”

On excessive ambition:  “I think my questioning of whether I am successful or not is neurotic.  Wanting to be ever and ever more successful is neurotic also.  It is the rat race personified.

“And when would I ever be ‘satisfied’ with what I had achieved?”

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My journal in early 1992 is filled with evidence that striving for more, more, more doesn’t work for me.  Two examples:  “I realize I’m not as happy as I once was because I’m not as grateful for all the blessings that I have.  I’ve taken some of it for granted, and it becomes tedious routine, but also I feel stressed from the ‘busyness’ of it all.”   “Part of me feels that an active and busy life is evidence of a wise use of time.  But the truth is that I tend to lose my perspective.”  These attitudes seem frankly to be ego at work.

A Course in Miracles says, “. . .nothing you do or think or wish or make is necessary to establish your worth. . . .Your ego is never at stake because God did not create it.  Your spirit is never at stake because He did.” (T-4.I.7:4,8-9)  I’m dangerously close to being “unhealed” (T-9.V) as I try to heal others through my writing. 

As I’ve sought to withdraw support from the ego, it has sought to win back strength by guile. (M-25.5:3)  I’ve been making an image of myself as a fulfilled individual, but it is just that—a hollow image made without love as I pushed for “more.”